Faith Hope and Hell

Kind of a scary title for today's post. We send our precious gifts to school and we believe they will be absolutely and completely protected from harm. I know I always thought that. And thankfully, my children never had an issue with teacher bullying. By harm, I mean verbal and physical harm. We were blessed with amazing educators for all of them. And, my kids were all completely different. Truly, we had awesome teachers. Our community  is blessed with so many teachers and counselors who care about our kids. What I've learned though over the past two years is parents need to be aware that teacher bullying does happen and even when kids tell parents about it, most likely nothing will happen. I've heard of several incidents where a teacher made students feel threatened and uncomfortable. You say, well aren't there video camera's? Yep.. There sure are video cameras but make no mistake those cameras probably will not have sound. You say, but hey, it's 2017 certainly...

I've been thinking about Esther a lot lately. She is my favorite biblical character, well besides Jesus. I am thankful I had the opportunity a couple years ago to take part in the Beth Moore study on Esther. What a queen! She was faithful and loyal and she trusted God. She was chosen to save her people. Thinking about our girl  living with us for almost two years, I've often told her she was Esther. I think I mentioned that in an earlier post. I know she rolls her eyes at me when I say it but someday, someday she'll see. She'll see God chose her to stand up and do something.  No, it hasn't been easy and it hasn't been a walk in the park. There have been many nights of tears and worry and "I can't do this." I'm sure Esther had those thoughts too. Faith and hope make it possible for us to be steadfast. Perhaps we all have a little Esther in us?  We are all created to do something in this world. Some people's moment might be more obvious ...

School starts in three weeks. This time last year we had just finished our due process hearing with the school system for her IEP.  Yes, we had to go through a court type setting for this child to get an IEP. We've since learned we are not the only family to do this, however I don't know if other families have had to wait as long.  She was going into 11th grade at the time, we were eager to get her situation at school settled so she wouldn't miss out on any work. My husband and I were dumbfounded the school would waste resources on fighting this. But, we did what we needed to do for her. The judge eventually ruled in our favor. The school appealed it and in turn we are still in limbo. Waiting... A year later we are still here, waiting for the judge to rule again. How in the world does this administration sleep at night? I'm so angry thinking about how they have hurt her. A place where a child should feel loved and protected has failed their student.  We were hopefu...

We finally gained some closure as far as child support. After 20 months of not supporting their child, they were mandated to do so. Living in our cushy little bubble, we don't think about how other people live. We learned that it's not uncommon for families to have to fight for parents to support their children. It is beyond my comprehension, but I think it happens a lot. Sad but true.  This isn't the end of the story. I believe the story is just beginning. I've caught you up on where we started from. I can tell you she's come so far from last year. We will continue to encourage her to go and do and learn. We will encourage her to trust God and be faithful. So hard for a child who's come from so much pain. She has a heart that loves many and also one that fears rejection as you can imagine. I know she will do amazing things in her life and I pray we will always be her home base. I've learned fostering a child is not for the weak. This family loves fiercely...

Yesterday, my husband asked, "why does it take so long?" I was busy running out the door to meet the girls so I didn't really answer. I don't really have an answer, I just know it takes a long time for children from abusive homes to heal. To be clear, professional's consider physical, emotional, sexual, neglect and isolation all under the umbrella of child abuse. As I was driving to meet the girls for a morning of fabulous farmers market finds, I caught a little bit of a show on the Christian radio station I love. The host talked about our culture being a microwave culture. I thought, yep it sure is. Then he went on to talk about the crockpot. Ah, yes, the slow cooker. Again, I'm one to believe in Godincidences. A friend once called them that. There's no such thing as a coincidence. My husband literally just asked me why it was taking so long? I thought, well, shoot there you go. We're cooking with the slow cooker and it's okay. There's no q...

Shortly after we gained permanent custody she had a come apart .. You know, melt down, a moment. It was the end of the work day for me and my sweet co worker and I were preparing for our precious kids to go home. My husband let me know she was upset and they were going to counseling. I was so worried and sad. She struggled with letting us into her heart and truly love her. She is pretty good at putting a wall up and not letting us in which drives me crazy!  She once told me she was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. She came from a place that wasn't stable. Her parents moved often and she was considered a transient student until she moved to our school system in 6th grade. She started at one middle school then she was moved to the other middle school. Her dad was in and out and not around much or just not engaged. She swam until she couldn't and her life continued to be in turmoil. You can imagine how a child coming from a life that nothing is ever  good enough or sett...

We celebrated her second Christmas with us. Thankfully, this year she wasn't recovering from shoulder surgery. Honestly, the holiday is kind of a blur. I know we enjoyed it and it was good. As the kids have gotten older I feel like the gifts have gotten smaller, not necessarily less expensive. But, I do enjoy buying gifts for them.  My oldest always has a list and she is very good about sending me pictures and links for what she is wishing for. The middle one usually wants money as he is saving up for camera equipment. The youngest one is the hardest! He never wants anything so this year we went shopping for a family from our church in honor of his wish list. She was easy to buy for. She cried when she opened the lotus necklace, remember the one I just found last week on the driveway, the one that fell out of her bag? There were other fun gifts that I knew would make her happy and we were glad to share them with her. I know holidays are hard, hopefully in the future as time goes ...

I turned my bathroom mirror into a scripture mirror. I'm sure my awesome cleaning people were not sure what to do with it but for the most part they left I alone. The verse I thought of over and over during these months going into the holiday season was. "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26 Every time I brushed my teeth, washed my hands or stood in front of that mirror I would read that beautiful verse and others as well. Her heart was so broken and it broke my heart to see her so sad. I was eager for her to start seeing herself as worthy. I'd text her as I still do today, that she is worthy of everything awesome and that God has a plan for her. She's going to do amazing things. I also prayed God would change the hearts of her family. We were preparing for the holidays and we were also coming up on the anniversary she came to live with us. At this point...

The beginning of September 2016 was a fun and exciting time for our family. Our daughter was getting married to the love of her life and we were thrilled! Only a few weeks away to the biggest party we'd ever throw!  The beginning of September  also meant Friday night lights were back. For years we've tailgated with the same friends before the high school football games. Everyone is eager to see each other after a busy summer and we're always excited to catch up on one another's lives.  One game in particular stands out in my mind. It was a big game as the team we were playing had never defeated us and they won the previous year ,so we had a rivalry on our hands. There were a lot of people there. I was walking into the stadium with friends and I looked over and saw her dad. I remember thinking, wow. He's just walking around like nothing happened. I mentioned to my friend that was her father and she was ready to confront him.  We didn't ... Silence is usually best...

My favorite color is pink and I love red too, but I've always had a connection with yellow. My whole life, I've been drawn to the sun, I love lemons, teddy bear sunflowers are absolutely yummy and I always wanted blonde hair. Finally got the blonde hair thanks to the bottle. Have you ever seen someone's aura? I know that sounds hokey. The only time I've ever seen one is the day I met her. She was walking with my cute boy and she was full of life. There was yellow all around her. I didn't think much of it. It was summer. Everything was sunny and pretty. She was vibrant and strong.  I saw it. I saw her aura and it was yellow. I'm not surprised God showed me this as I've always loved yellow and been drawn to it.  Last summer she was eager to get back to running as the shoulder we did the surgery on was healed. She ran on the team the year before because her swim career was over. She was a good runner and even with her shoulder dislocating during meets she ...

Have you ever paid attention to a lotus flower? Honestly, until last summer, I had not, at least not much. We had a cottage up in Northern Michigan and it had two swamps on it. The kids loved going over there to look for frogs and my husband loved telling them stories about when he was young and he'd fall in and how his sister's Scooby Doo flip flop just popped up to the surface after years of being gone. I think both my boys fell into the swamp at least once every year we visited. They reminded me of quick sand and those cheesy movies where people would just sink. Eek!  I was always a little freaked out by the swamps. I knew they were filled with life but I don't like tall grass and I especially don't like it touching me. Gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. I'd take the kids over there so they could check things out. I always found the lotus flower absolutely amazing. It was the only thing blooming in that swampy water. How? One of God's beaut...

Living in the twilight zone can cause a person to have weak moments. Especially when it comes to new pets. We told her she could have a ferret for her birthday. Umm, that was definitely a weak moment. I never in my life thought I'd own a ferret. I don't think I even knew what they looked like. My daughter and I went with her to look at them. She picked the one she liked and I gotta hand it to her, the girl has a knack for choosing sweet animals. We bought all the accessories needed for this creature. Did you know they make a play pen type thing for them, and ferrets sleep in a hammock?  She named her Polly... P olly started out living upstairs because I thought well, I won't have to see her and the kids can take care of her. Yeh, I blame those thoughts on the twilight zone. I ended up moving Polly downstairs so she wouldn't feel left out. Yes, I realize we're talking about a ferret but I felt sad for her up there by herself. I have to say that Poll...

The end of the school year finally rolled around. Longest semester of my life. She couldn't go to school where her mother was working so we found an alternative for her. Our school system offered a neat program for kids who struggled with the big classes for whatever reason. The teachers were amazing and it truly was a blessing. Between the panic attacks and seizures and her shoulder dislocating, I was ready to just sit by the pool and do nothing. We were tired. We were all tired. Bring on summer! We celebrated our daughters college graduation. It was an awesome day for our family!  I remember saying to my husband that day while we watched her get her diploma, "We did it! We got one raised!" We were so excited and so proud. My parents were here and my husband's father was here too. Our sweet friend stayed at home with her as we didn't want to take away from our daughter's big day. She was still suffering from passing out due to panic attacks.  She started ha...

We were still dealing with all the psychological trauma. So many panic attacks and seizures. Seeing her in so much turmoil broke my heart. You can imagine after four months of no one in her family reaching out to her, she was going through true abandonment. I prayed that someone in her family would reach out. I prayed someone in her family would find us and step up and help. I would scream in my head, "What is wrong with this family? Where is everyone? Do they not care?" It was just bazaar.  What were her parents telling extended family? Good lord, she was 15 years old. A kid. Children do not break their own hearts. I continued to reach out via messenger to family members. No one responded. It was like an iron wall. Late spring found us cheering on the track team and it also found us preparing for our first court date in regards to permanent custody. We had emergency custody which was necessary for school and medical reasons but, we needed permanent custody so we would re...

Saw a meme that said "God doesn't give you the details. He just says "true me"." Yep. He sure does. Several times over the past several months I've literally out of nowhere heard the words "trust me" in my head. I didn't just put them there. I learned to just say ok. I was a little irritated and frustrated because this whole thing was taking too long. Little did I know, it was just the beginning. She lived in survival mode for a long time. She feared outbursts from her mother. She told us about the times her mother would lose it and yell and scream and hit and the younger brother was scared and slept in jeans so he would be able to just go to school faster. Other people validated those stories and others had seen very odd behavior. Living like that for so long and having endured trauma, and now being in a quiet normal family setting triggered more panic attacks. Panic attacks that would lead to hyperventilating and passing out. She also has PTS...