Twilight Zone

Saw a meme that said "God doesn't give you the details. He just says "true me"." Yep. He sure does. Several times over the past several months I've literally out of nowhere heard the words "trust me" in my head. I didn't just put them there. I learned to just say ok. I was a little irritated and frustrated because this whole thing was taking too long. Little did I know, it was just the beginning. She lived in survival mode for a long time. She feared outbursts from her mother. She told us about the times her mother would lose it and yell and scream and hit and the younger brother was scared and slept in jeans so he would be able to just go to school faster. Other people validated those stories and others had seen very odd behavior. Living like that for so long and having endured trauma, and now being in a quiet normal family setting triggered more panic attacks. Panic attacks that would lead to hyperventilating and passing out. She also has PTSD and conversion disorder.  I'm sure most of you are familiar with PTSD but here's the definition of conversion disorder.

conversion disorder is a diagnostic category used in some psychiatric classification systems. It is sometimes applied to patients who present with neurological symptoms, such as numbness blindness, paralysis or fits , which are not consistent with a well established organic use, which cause significant distress, and can be traced back to a psychological trigger. 

You can imagine we were eager to get all of the panic attacks and flashbacks under control as they were scary and awful and took a toll on her and on us. They were real. Very real. This made it nearly impossible for her to go to school. So we prayed and continued to search for a new therapist that would know how to handle these issues. As I think about what we went through during that time, it makes me so sad. So very very sad. I remember telling my husband that we are living in a twilight zone. I thought about her mom and dad. I thought how could they be so awful? It was and still is beyond my comprehension. We didn't dwell on that too long. We had a trip to book for NYC. the boys 4x800 qualified so we were headed to the national meet in March. It would be nice to get out of town for a few days. We took the whole family. We had to keep her close as she would sometimes go into a dissociative state. Thankfully, she doesn't do that anymore but it was pretty often during this time. We didn't want to lose her in NYC. 

We kept pretty quiet about the whole situation. We kept our close friends and family informed. Everyone just shook their head's saying the same thing we said. How do you just abandon your child?  I don't care what happens in the family, you handle it as family and protect your children. Unconditional love is always, and in spite of. 

It was about this time I could see she was feeling unworthy of so much. I remind her often that she is worthy of so many amazing things and that she is going to do amazing things.  She was struggling with understanding God and why He would allow her to have endured her previous home life? She said she prayed and prayed and He did nothing and then He allowed the older brother to hurt her. I reminded her that God did have a plan in place. I mapped it out for her going all the way back to us moving here and then my neighbor going to law school and then my son becoming a runner. All of that had to take place for him to meet her, for their paths to cross. And, once that happened it was done. We were all in one place and it was time. I said God always knew we'd take you. I know to a 15 year old, it's so confusing and hard to understand and to just have faith and believe. I get that. She still struggles with God. I pray every day her heart sees his love for her. Please pray for her too.

"When the right time

comes, I will make 

this happen quickly."

Isaiah 60:22

I remember telling her that she reminded me of Esther. I love Esther! So beautiful and strong and courageous. She was chosen to do something amazing. Again, telling that to a 15 year old who is Luke warm on God is like telling that to my dog. ha but I still tell her that. I still to this day quote Esther 4:14 to her. . I have faith that she will one day believe it. It just isn't time. 

"Perhaps this is the moment

for which you have been 

created."

Esther 4:14

Along with our new lawyer, we found a new therapist. She was good and new how to handle the issues we were dealing with. That doesn't mean they disappeared over night. She would still have panic attacks and she'd still pass out and a couple of times she passed out and hit her head and guess what? Yep. Concussion. Ugh. Can we just catch a break? God love her. I believe the concussion set her therapy back a little bit. We kept going and persevered. God was good and our son got to go to California for a track meet. We wanted him to go and do and have the best experience in spite of the situation at home. And, he did. He loved it and ran well. Looking back I know God's grace carried us through this time. It truly did. How else would we have done it? 

I kept thinking I need this wrapped up and this sweet child on the road to recovery by August. We had a wedding coming up and I wanted to go into the fall with everyone happy and healthy and to get out of the twilight zone....